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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.