Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
